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the editors diary

 

So little to say but yet so much time.

I’m trying to avoid the ‘pity party’. I’m writing this because I want someone, anyone or anything to relate to. I’ve never been the definition of normal which is probably a good thing, given my talkative personality. But I feel as I have hit a speed bump in life and it has a lot to do with you. So here I am, being overly personal with strangers - again. 

When I left sixth form with a B in Media, and two Ds in English and having still never passed GCSE Maths it’s never really stood in my way. Having spent the first decade of my life on a council estate in Halifax, I’ve still always had high expectations of myself and those around me. My upbringing was privileged in its own way, I’m lucky to have a loving family. But this is where I run into the same problem every day, week, month, year. It’s just me. 

I’m always thinking about what’s next. As soon as I near the end of one project my mind instantly switches to the next, leaving my current idea high and dry. When I think about it that’s probably the reason I haven’t had a boyfriend for more than a month or in more recent years haven’t got a second date. Or I’m just a twat? Who knows? 

Probably the guys I’ve dated. I’ll avoid asking. 

I’ve always been told I’m ‘chill’ and easy to talk to. It’s always been a relief to hear I’m chilled out but internally I’m always on red alert. The knot in my stomach is always there, the anxiety over nothing specific and internal stress over anything. As I write this in the notes on my phone I’m unsure as to what ‘angle’ or ‘take’ I’m going for. Other than it’s getting me down. 

Up until August last year I was working full time in bars earning just enough to live, then a couple of amazing humans some of whom I never had the privilege of meeting inspired me through words; to achieve both of my passions within 6 months. I began working for the NHS and I now come home from work knowing - in a small way - I’ve made a difference to someone’s care. This job is my life line and I still love it and will continue to do so. 

BOYBLUE Magazine began as an outlet to my stress and became the hammer to my glass bottle, where I have stored regrets and anguish for years. It’s now become an outlet for 99% of the people that send me or the team an email and that makes me so happy. Issue 1 was a strange one. I spent more time asking for money than I did writing. I’m so proud of what we achieved and the end result, I think about everyone who helped me everyday. My point is - writing is an escape for me and not a business. It’s my place to be honest with you and not think about the follow count or the clicks or explaining to sponsors why it’s free. 

These past few months I can’t drag myself away from social media or stats and competing against others. I’ve now realised this wasn’t my aim and I refuse to let it continue. My social media hasn’t ever been that popular but that has never stopped me sitting on Twitter for hours on end. 

I’m so proud to be a gay man and to be able to share our diverse community stories on a platform like ours. From today BOYBLUE is free of sponsors and money commitments. We will no longer print. It’s not a sad thing so please don’t apologise or share hard feelings because myself and my writers have none. 

You don’t need paper and a printer and money to write anymore. We have you, the people reading this. Issue 2 will still happen - on ‘Issuu’ and our current website. We haven’t failed, we are not in competition or here to give anyone a run for their money. We are here to be relatable and interview people that are prominent within our community. We are here for you and we hope that you’ll still want to read ‘that magazine that won’t make it past issue 1’. 

Well, we have and we will. 

See you soon

- Harry x